That one Dad, He called me a Gecko! Baby Gator RevengeView full post
This is how I spent my weekend..View full post
A poor old lady slipped and fell on the Ice today…
At least I presume she was poor – she only had $1.20 in her purse.
A man with a stutter is visiting the doctor…
“How’s the stutter?”, asks the doctor.
“It’s g-getting better. My mate calls me D-Donkey,” replies the man.
“Any idea why?” The doctor asks.
“No, but he aw he aw he aw he always calls me that.”
An Engineer dies and goes to heaven…
The engineer found himself at the pearly gates. St. Peter looked him up in the book, and found that he was destined for the other place. The engineer protested that this must be a mistake, and that he had lived a righteous life, going to church every week, being faithful to his wife etc. to no avail.
About 6 weeks later God reviews the lists and realizes that the engineer has been sent to the wrong place. So he rings up Lucifer and demands that the engineer be sent up. Lucifer says “NO WAY. This guy was the best thing to ever happen here. He’s got the AC working, we have running water and cable now too, and next week he thinks we will get internet access and an ice cream machine.” God is pissed and yelling says “I’ll sue”. Lucifer says “ya okay, but where are you going to get a lawyer?”
A man dies and goes to hell…
The devil says he must choose a room in hell to spend the rest of eternity in. He walks into the first room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a wood floor.
He thinks “No way. I can’t do that for eternity”
He walks into the second room and sees a bunch of people doing headstands on a metal floor.
He thinks “I definitely can’t do that for eternity”
He walks into a third room where there’s a bunch of people standing in 4 feet of shit and drinking coffee.
He says to himself “…well I guess I could get used to the smell.”
After 10 minutes in the room, the devil comes in and says “Alright, coffee break’s over. Back to headstands.”
By the Church Bells
Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent’s house to visit her 95 year-old grandmother and comfort her.
When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, “He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.” Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.
“Oh no, my dear,” replied granny. “Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong.” She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, “He’d still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn’t come along.”
A Sexist Professor…
The anthropology professor was well known for making sexist comments and jokes in class much to the dismay of the feminist female students. The women students got together outside class and decided that after the next sexist comment from the professor they would stand up and walk out of class in solidarity. The next day the professor, while lecturing on a certain African tribe, said: ” and you ladies will be glad to know that the average penis size of the tribesmen is 12 inches!” At that moment all the women in the class stood up and began filing out. The professor then said: “Wait! Wait ladies! The next flight to Nairobi doesn’t leave until tomorrow morning!”